Trust No Republican, Agent Mulder
by Scott South, Senior Writer
March 15, 2009
Knock, knock. “Mulder, you there?”
“No one here but the FBI’s most unwanted.”
“OK, I see you hunkering down there. What is it this time? Flying nuns? Extraterrestrial recipes for luscious layer cakes?”
“Stop. You’re making me horny and hungry. But is it an X File, you’re wondering. I’ll let you judge for yourself, Scully. The truth is out there. Take a peek through those unbelieving glasses of yours.”
“Hmm. OK. So you’re investigating Rush Limbaugh. For what—babbling acrimoniously without a license?”
“He may be speaking in tongues, Scully. No, laugh if you will, but I did some cross-checking with an old X File. See? One of the great Unsolved Histories is the story of the ancient Mayans and why they essentially disappeared around 900 AD. In Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto the collapse of the ancient Mayan world is a metaphor for the chaos of the present day, our world of impending ecological and moral disaster.”
“So? What’s that got to do with Skinner’s shiny scalp? Mulder, your unending search for the truth has become a dangerous obsession that has hurled you into a dark occult world of your own making, alienated you from the Bureau, and forced me to constantly sound like the ‘No’ queen of the GOP. I see the parallel, but, yes, why is it an X File?”
“I guess I would say ‘why are you the nattering nabob of negativism?’ My point is, the Death figure to the Mayans has returned to visit us in the here and now, Scully. It’s right here in the file, and we never saw the connection. The ancient Mayans were thought to have slowly gone deaf and unable to function when for some unknown reason the surrounding jungles became infested with howler monkeys. But it wasn’t howler monkeys, and they didn’t go deaf—not exactly, anyway. It was what the Mayans called Ouagadahagghh Limbagghhh which, loosely translated, means ‘big fat jerk.’ The legendary jungle monster, Scully, the boogieman of the Guatemalan rain forest. According to legend, the creature frightened many to death with its loathsome appearance. The rest it assaulted with relentless, deranged hate speech until the victims committed suicide. Here. Look at this drawing of the thing.”
“Oh, my God!”
“See the family resemblance?”
“Mulder, it looks exactly like Rush Limbaugh. It can’t be.”
“It’s him, Scully. The monster is back. The evil is returned.”
“I can’t accept that, Mulder. It flies in the face of all my—oh, my God!”
“What is it you see?”
“The page of his quotes. He is evil incarnate. Listen to this: ‘Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.’”
“There’s more, Scully—a lot more. ‘You commit a crime, you’re guilty.’”
“I’m not sure whether that one is evil or just criminally stupid. Let’s see what else. ‘Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century.’”
“Ugh.”
“And this one: ‘He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He’s moving all around and shaking and it’s purely an act…this is really shameless of Michael J. Fox.’”
“God, I feel sick. Here’s what he said about Abu Ghraib, Scully. It’s my personal favorite. ‘I’m talking about people having a good time, these people—have you ever heard of emotional release? You ever heard of the need to blow some steam off?’”
“Mulder, we have to stop this entity before it destroys us all. [Sniff] Do you smell smoke?… Cigarette-smoking man! Where did you come from? What are you doing here?”
[puff-puff] “Now, now, is that any way to greet your savior? Come now, Agent Mulder, [puff] don’t look so disgusted. I didn’t come here to spoil your little party. I came here to warn you.”
“Get on with it before we all choke, you lizard-skinned chimney.”
[Pause] “Very well. [puff]. For many years now the members of our secret group have attempted in coordination with the aliens to produce a viable human-alien hybrid [puff puff]. As you know, we failed with you, Agent Mulder. Nevertheless, we need to keep you around. Enough distractions have hindered our efforts to the extent that making a martyr out of you could potentially become disastrous. [puff] Anyway…we recently discovered that a renegade and highly dangerous alien hybrid was produced many centuries ago, unbeknownst to us. I am instructed to inform you that the renegade hybrid is Rush Limbaugh. You must let us deal with him in due course. Please do not approach this entity.”
“Why not?”
“It knows who you are, Agent Mulder, and it wants you to fail. [puff puff] It wants you to fail, it wants the truth to fail, and it has many sinister friends. Friends in the GOP [puff] who make my associates and me look like boy scouts.”
“That I find hard to believe.”
“Trust me this one time. Stay clear for the time being. And trust no Republican, Agent Mulder.”
Wow – *every* single quote you list is taken out of context. This is such a pathetic and trite opinion piece I can’t believe I wasted my time reading it, except that I wanted to see if an original thought was going to appear somewhere.
As for your idiotic assertion of, “trust no Republican” after blathering on and on about Rush – and again, taking *every* statement out of context – you seem to fail to understand that the Republican party does NOT listen to Rush. McCain was *not* Rush’s first second or third choice as candidate, but again represents what “the Left” always said we needed…until we ran him, at which they turned on him as a right winger instead of the Maverick he once again is to them.
What a sad, unsupported, trite opinion piece. It is the oh-so-typical left-wing rhetoric that I see on this site that makes me not waste my time here very often at all.
Be original, for crying out loud…and perhaps listen to Rush for a few weeks before you pick a bunch of quotes off the internet and pretend you know what he was talking about.
I wonder if you have the intellectual honesty to address all the hideous personal attacks and calls for failure that were leveled against the previous administration…or what that all justified? Seems like vitriolic speech can only be uttered by the left…but then again, when you claim no principles, it’s easy to blather on without accountability.
Darryl, no offense, but this is SATIRE. Not every word is meant to be taken literally.
With that said, let me address some of your comments:
Also, are you for or against Rush? First you say that Rush does not stand for Republicans, but later you defend Rush. This pattern of saying Rush doesn’t speak or Republicans, then saying Rush is OK and misunderstood seems to be the pattern by many lately. This includes Michael Steele and others. It seems that you know that Rush is hated by 75% of the population, so he must be mentioned as “not speaking for all Republicans”, but at the same time he must be defended because he is the defacto Republican leader for many on the far right who Republicans can’t afford to tick off. I wish some Republican leaders would show some guts and really go after Rush. (Criticizing him and then begging his forgiveness 2 days later doesn’t count!) If a Republican leader actually showed guts like this, I would consider voting for him or her. I actually agree with Republican ideals in several areas, but as long as the party is held captive by such extreme hate-mongers, then there is no hope to be anything but a regional party.
Daphne Muller wrote about this well in her piece a week or two ago:
http://demockracy.com/republicans-we-need-you-a-case-for-a-new-agenda-for-the-grand-old-party/
Yup…well, Mass Communications 101, Day 1: When you thrust yourself into the public limelight, for fame and fortune, and garner that fame and fortune by issuing forth an unending barrage of dumb quotes, it doesn’t really matter if they’re taken out of context. You invite ridicule and satire. Besides, how many stupid quotes in aggregate can be out of context? You mean he’s just making fun of himself? He’s really a warm and fuzzy liberal? All those quotes don’t mean what they say? Then stop saying stupid things.
Kevin, Wow…you completely missed my point in your fervor to bash Rush…who, by the way, is a private citizen exercising his 1st amendment right to free speech – something those that wish to silence him often forget. Your defense that Scott’s piece was simply satire (poorly written as it was) does not excuse the fact that he purposely misconstrues quotes by taking them out of context. That’s not satire, that’s libel. Nor did you address the fact that the article is little more than left-wing talking points – not an original thought amongst the whole piece. Nor did you address the fact that for the past 8 years the left has said some of the most hateful things about Bush and his administration that could be imagined…and again I wonder if Demockracy.com has the intellectual integrity to look into the hate-filled speech of the Democrat ELECTED officials against a sitting president and condemn those, as well.
As far as being the leader of the Republican party, that’s pretty much the stupidest suggestion that left has made in recent years. For one, the elected Republican officials in Washington have done next to nothing for the past 8 years – good riddance to them! – and certainly did not act based upon the so-called leader’s suggestion (i.e. Rush). If you want to suggest the rush is a leader, it would be as leader of the Conservative movement – which is a far, far cry from Republicans. But again, you have to do a little bit more than rip a few quotes off the internet out of context and then blather back with a supposedly whitty “satire” piece to call yourself intellectual and claim to understand Rush.
As far as Scott’s suggestion that Rush thrust himself into the public limelight “by issuing forth and unending barrage of dumb quotes” just displays first his utter ignorance of Rush’s career, and second demonstrates his disdain for the first amendment. You DO realize, I hope, that he is a private citizen, that he is *the most* successful radio broadcaster in history at this point, and he has garnered his fame and fortune by saying things that people want to here. I know…I know…”by spewing hate” you will reply…and again, I will suggest that before you review a person’s career, you ought to at least listen to them. Ever read his books? Ever listened with open ears to his radio broadcast for a few weeks solid to understand?
Here’s the the true irony – your “satire” piece is ripping on a man that has built a career around satire…and thus if you understood the full context of the quote, you might actually learn a little bit about your chosen art form.
Here’s a couple rebuttals for you:
Did you know that Micheal J Fox openly admitted that he stopped taking his medication before he filmed his advertising so that the affects of his disease would be more prevalent? Sorry…it’s true. Fox admitted it himself, and Rush’s criticism is right on.
Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream…uh, it’s a JOKE. Oh my god…get a life, for real. That being said, it’s a hilarious joke because there are a lot of “butch”, unattractive women at the top of the feminist movement, as opposed to the knock-out you would find in lesbian porn that don’t exist in the real world. It’s satire….
I’d really like to go on…but I must work.
In truth, I’m not some 100% Rush apologist, but I also suspect that if you truly listened to him, you would find you agree with him on a few points.
To Scott, I’m sure you are a talented writer, but you really ought to leave the liberal talking points to the White House press core and come up with an original thought. Sorry…but there was just nothing original in what you said other than the method of the telling, which was an odd resurrection of a TV program that’s been off the air for a loooong time, and which most of the college kids your site targets have probably never seen. Very odd choice…
Daryl, you love Rush. We get it. He is your leader. We get it.
Also, since when is Rush allowed to satirize people and use his first amendment rights but Scott isn’t? I know Rush is a God in your mind, but still man. I admire your passion, but your arguments are not very logically consistent.
Here’s an example:
“Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream…uh, it’s a JOKE. Oh my god…get a life, for real. That being said, it’s a hilarious joke because there are a lot of “butch”, unattractive women at the top of the feminist movement, as opposed to the knock-out you would find in lesbian porn that don’t exist in the real world. It’s satire….”
No, that’s sexism by your definition about libeling Rush.
I love how you defend the big fat rich white guy, but call any ridicule of women, gays, disabled people, etc. “satire.” If you want to go after everyone, fine! If you want to not go after anyone, fine! But at least be consistent and don’t defend the rights of the rich fat white dude from criticism! There are enough Lou Dobbs out there.