Tiger Sets off Balloon Girls and Sarah Palin

Washington—December 10. Tiger Woods broke his extended silence today to deny any romantic involvement with Sarah Palin. “No, Sarah Palin is not one of my mistresses,” he told reporters. “She’s not even one of my pinup girls, although she does have a great body. Wow, have you seen that braless pic where she’s painting her walls?  All right, I did have that one taped in my country club locker, but the dog ate it.”

Asked about alleged text messages to the former Alaska governor, Woods spoke emphatically . “No, no, no.  I didn’t tell her she’s ‘hot.’ I said it’s hot in Florida. I said I could use some of that seaside view of Russia right now. I wasn’t interested in her romantically, and my intentions were purely honorable and political in nature.  Why couldn’t she release a copy of her birth certificate? I said. I figure as long as she’s a birther, let me see hers. How do I know she’s not a Russian?”

In Ohio, meanwhile, eyewitnesses reported seeing 14 to 17 former Woods mistresses spill out of an errant UFO-like helium balloon when it crash-landed and sustained a tear in the fabric. The young women were not immediately available for comment because they were busy scrambling through a nearby cornfield, reading their text messages.

Elsewhere, Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi admitted to reporters that all of his famed female bodyguards were Tiger Woods’ girlfriends. “These brave Libyan women withstood the colonialist-imperialist hegemony of American infiltration, of ruthless penetration into our glorious purity. Death to golf!”

A spokeswoman for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment because she was also busy reading text messages. NFL officials say they are still investigating why the Cowboys cheerleaders have “for months been cheerleading golf tournaments instead of football games and disappearing into the club house afterwards.”

“This is highly unusual and most irregular,” said one official who asked not to be identified. “Normally, football cheerleaders cheer-lead football games, not PGA tours. I have to wonder what they’re thinking. Well—to be honest, we don’t get the pick of Rhodes Scholars. Most of our pom-pom girls think ‘foreplay’ is a golf term.”

Friends of Tiger Woods identify Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California and anti-gay marriage activist, as one of the golfer’s minor conquests. Asked for comment, Prejean said opposite sex marriage is a holy sacrament and that she had believed Woods when he’d told her he was single. “Duh, I think music is the universal language,” she said, “and my hope is for world peace. My ambition when I graduate from community college is to help the hungry children of the world.”

Woods refused to comment on the alleged relationship, but did respond to rumors about a liaison with U.S. Secretary to the United Nations Susan Rice. “Hey, Susan is undeniably babe-alicious, and I mean hot,” Woods said in a news conference. “But she’s way out of my league. She’s beautiful but too cerebral for me. Her brain is to the UN what my golf swing is to the PGA tour. Wow, I tried, though. I swung and I missed, if you’ll pardon the baseball metaphor.

“But I categorically deny having anything to do with the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. That was a nasty rumor started by Angelina Jolie. She’s always jealous, that little so-and-so, just because I jilted her. First she tells Brad all about me, hoping the guy would beat me to a pulp, but it didn’t happen. So she makes up this nonsense about me bonging everybody in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Didn’t happen. Except for Amber Tamblyn and America Ferrera. They’re just so hot. Come on, give me a break—what sporting man could resist?”