Haiting Haiti?

The entire world was brought to its knees in horror earlier this week as Jeff Zucker, I mean the tiny island country of Haiti, experienced a colossal 7.0 earthquake considered by many to be one of the worst in recorded history. The quake has taken as many as 100,000 lives and left many devastatingly poor Haitians uncertain about their future.  In addition, with the island’s already ramshackle water system badly damaged, clean water is  nearly impossible to find and waterborne disease could easily kill as many people as the quake as tens of thousands of victims are forced to scrounge for water in spoiled cisterns.

Naturally, the outpouring of global sympathy in the form of monetary donations, particularly in the form of text messages, has inundated this heartbroken region and will hopefully continue beyond the immediate aftermath.

So one would expect Pat Robertson, a man of the cloth and self-appointed spokesmen for Jesus, to lift the spirits of these poor unfortunate souls with some heavenly compassion.

Yes, according to Pastor Pat, the earthquake wasn’t brought on by a country resting on geological fault lines with a natural propensity for earthquakes. No, instead, it was a giant red devil that caused this disaster. Well, at least homosexuals and feminists were in the clear for once.

In the event that you’re head did not just spontaneously combust, allow me reiterate Pat Robertson’s explanation for this week’s horrific earthquake:

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it,” he said. “They were under the heel of the French … and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’”

“True story. And the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal,’” Robertson said. “Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

For those of us with a fully functional cerebral cortex who are not permanent residents of Kookistan, what  actually occurred in Haiti near the turn of the 19th century was quite historic. In the 1790s, having witnessing the French Revolution, Toussaint L’ouverture inspired a successful slave rebellion against the French in the Haitian Revolution. The insurrection proved so powerful that it directly led to France selling most of its territories in the New World, or the Louisiana purchase, and inspired networks of American slaves to contemplate their own rebellions right up through the Civil War.

However, to be fair,  I actually consulted with a lawyer with respect to Pat Robertson’s claim and it seems that it was completely null:

First, it was NOT signed in blood. That maybe old fashion but that’s the rules. Second, NO blood sacrifice clause. Considering how long they have suffered, I think this a big loop. Third, NO certification about who won the fiddle contest.

So, using my expert source, it seems that Pastor Pat is miserably uniformed.

But in all seriousness, I strongly urge each and every one of you to take two mouse clicks or QWERTY keypad buttons and donate as much as you can to the suffering people of Haiti. I realize that many of you are skeptical about whether this money is actually going through the proper channels and reaching the right people, which is why I urge you to never text “madoff” to any charity whatsoever.