Gonzales Alive and Well, But Needs a Nose Job

Scott South is a satirical writer who will be contributing regular works to Demockracy’s commentary section.

As I explored my first piece for Demockracy, many thoughts occurred to me. First, I thought that Dubya is too much of an abomination for me to even think of writing about him any more. I’ve had a bellyful of him, and good riddance. Cheney—maybe later. But who can I laugh at right now?

As I gaze wistfully into my recollections of the Bush era, the eight years of Letterman’s Great Moments in Presidential Speeches, a tear stings my left eye and a sob escapes my lips as I rue the passing of the good old days. Never again will there be so many unscrupulous people who are so stupid and so satisfying to make fun of in print. So who—I thought today while rolling my blank sheet into the clackety old Remington (yeah, right)—is left to excoriate? The horror…the horror.

But wait. Not so fast. Whatever happened to Gonzales? Just when he had become the finest court fool since Spiro Agnew—good for at least a half-dozen scathing columns—he disappeared into oblivion. Fortunately, the other day I discovered some surveys in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls’ porch that reveal a new craze seizing the nation: imagining Alberto Gonzales in all kinds of unlikely scenarios, all of them outside the government.

“And the more bizarre the job, the better,” one respondent said. “He belongs anywhere except the damned government.”

Here are the top five jobs or scenarios the American people find most suitable for Gonzales:

1. New host of The Apprentice

A half-dozen apprentices sit at a conference table with Gonzales at the head.

“You’re fired!” he shouts, tossing his hair.

“Sir,” says a dorky-looking 23-year-old man, “you said I’m superlative in every dimension of business performance. I—I just don’t understand how you can do this to me. It’s not fair. These other people here are all losers. I’m the only one who can generate three spreadsheets on two printers in under a minute and work 120 hours a week.”

“You also believe in counterproductive things like fairness, merit and justice.” Gonzales chops his arm down to the table like a guillotine blade. “You’re fired!”

“What about me?” says a bimbo.

“You’re fired! And you, you’re fired too.”

“Wha–?”

“You’re fired!”

2. Unemployed Pinocchio

Gonzales wanders about Capitol Hill unemployed, sporting a nose two feet long and growing, due to extensive alleged lying to Congress. Senator Ted Kennedy happens by.

“Hey bread-stick face,” he shouts, “what happened, forgot where you live? Or just following your nose to the nearest liars’ convention?”

“Senator, I don’t recall.”

“Yeah? You’d better start recalling, you homeless a**wipe, or you’ll be sucking up storm-drain water through that schnozzola like an elephant, just to survive.”

“Oh yeah? That’s what you think! En garde!” Gonzales lunges and pokes the Senator in the eye with his nose. “Take that!”

“OW! You disingenuous sack of ****!”

Gonzales, enraged by the impudence, sticks the Senator in both eyes repeatedly like a woodpecker. “Take that, Camelot man! And that!”

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh yeah? Why, you…”

3. Senior partner in a law firm

“Counselor,” an associate says to Gonzales, “You took this case two months ago and you haven’t read the briefs, and you haven’t even spoken to our client? That’s preposterous! Do you realize the constitutional ramifications if we lose this trial?”

“Denny Crane.”

“Huh?”

“Denny Crane, from Boston Legal. That’s me. Who cares about the facts of this stupid case? All I have to do is show up and the prosecution will be so intimidated they’ll wither in their seats. And, might I add, you’ve got great boobs for a midget.”

“Why, you filthy old man, if you weren’t such a pathetic airhead with Alzheimer’s I’d bring you up on charges of sexual harassment, you perv.”

“Denny Crane.”

4. Captain of the Star Ship Enterprise

“Spock—what are all those Federation Star Ships doing out there? I…want…answers…Mr. Spock.”

“It appears, from recent communications, that they are here to assist us in our mission to penetrate Romulan coordinates in order to locate the missing Star Ship Constitution, Captain.”

“Ohuru, please instruct the other Star Ships to leave. This is my turf, damn it.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

“Al, have you gone mad?” the doctor says.

“I have a mission and I don’t want a lot of bleeding-heart Star Ship captains cluttering it up. Ohuru, tell them I’ll fire all fazers on them if they don’t go away. Bones, I see you glaring at me. Tell me I’m not right, Bones.”

“Dammit, Al, I’m a doctor, not a corrupt bureaucrat!”

“All right, the Federation Star Ships are gone. Scotty, increase warp speed and divert auxiliary power to the main shields. We’re going in.”

“She can’t take much more of this, Captain! We’re doing warrup eight as it is!”