Football and Politics

With the Super Bowl, politics, and a combination of the two leading the headlines in recent weeks, today’s Politics as Unusual satirical column attempts to counter the appalling and just plain weird anti-abortion ad aired during the Super Bowl by Focus on the Family. This is the ad that I believe Focus on the Family really wanted to show but couldn’t due to the fact that the equally creepy talking baby from the E-trade ads was already under contract:

Haiting Haiti?

The entire world was brought to its knees in horror earlier this week as Jeff Zucker, I mean the tiny island country of Haiti, experienced a colossal 7.0 earthquake considered by many to be one of the worst in recorded history. The quake has taken as many as 100,000 lives and left many devastatingly poor Haitians uncertain about their future.  In addition, with the island’s already ramshackle water system badly damaged, clean water is  nearly impossible to find and waterborne disease could easily kill as many people as the quake as tens of thousands of victims are forced to scrounge for water in spoiled cisterns.

Naturally, the outpouring of global sympathy in the form of monetary donations, particularly in the form of text messages, has inundated this heartbroken region and will hopefully continue beyond the immediate aftermath.

So one would expect Pat Robertson, a man of the cloth and self-appointed spokesmen for Jesus, to lift the spirits of these poor unfortunate souls with some heavenly compassion.

Yes, according to Pastor Pat, the earthquake wasn’t brought on by a country resting on geological fault lines with a natural propensity for earthquakes. No, instead, it was a giant red devil that caused this disaster. Well, at least homosexuals and feminists were in the clear for once.

In the event that you’re head did not just spontaneously combust, allow me reiterate Pat Robertson’s explanation for this week’s horrific earthquake:

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it,” he said. “They were under the heel of the French … and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’”

“True story. And the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal,’” Robertson said. “Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

For those of us with a fully functional cerebral cortex who are not permanent residents of Kookistan, what  actually occurred in Haiti near the turn of the 19th century was quite historic. In the 1790s, having witnessing the French Revolution, Toussaint L’ouverture inspired a successful slave rebellion against the French in the Haitian Revolution. The insurrection proved so powerful that it directly led to France selling most of its territories in the New World, or the Louisiana purchase, and inspired networks of American slaves to contemplate their own rebellions right up through the Civil War.

However, to be fair,  I actually consulted with a lawyer with respect to Pat Robertson’s claim and it seems that it was completely null:

First, it was NOT signed in blood. That maybe old fashion but that’s the rules. Second, NO blood sacrifice clause. Considering how long they have suffered, I think this a big loop. Third, NO certification about who won the fiddle contest.

So, using my expert source, it seems that Pastor Pat is miserably uniformed.

But in all seriousness, I strongly urge each and every one of you to take two mouse clicks or QWERTY keypad buttons and donate as much as you can to the suffering people of Haiti. I realize that many of you are skeptical about whether this money is actually going through the proper channels and reaching the right people, which is why I urge you to never text “madoff” to any charity whatsoever.

Joementum Strikes Again

With headlines of health reform, blue dogs, and pork barrel politics abound, this week’s Politics as Unusual will feature my favorite U.S. Senator from the insurance capital of the free world. As we look forward to reconciliation days to come, let’s take a look back, way back, past Christmas Eve votes, 1 am clotures, Nebraska purchases, and prayers for the speedy death of the President pro tempore:

GOP Demands to see Nobel Committee’s Birth Certificate

When the news broke earlier that sitting American (or is it Kenyan or Indonesian?) President Barack Obama was bequeathed with the Nobel Peace Prize, I naturally assumed that the Rush Limbaugh’s head would explode and the Republican Party would be stuck with a gargantuan body instead of a party head. Moreover, I instinctively knew that the blogosphere would be buzzing with more Republican and Conservative invective than Democrat or Liberal encomium.

Am I really that prescient or do Republicans really hate Barack Obama that much that many would put breathing oxygen in abeyance in order to vituperatively criticize President Obama?

“This fully exposes the illusion that is Barack Obama,” said conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh. Rush continued: “And with this ‘award’ the elites of the world are urging Obama, THE MAN OF PEACE, to not do the surge in Afghanistan, not (sic) take action against Iran and its nuclear program and to basically continue his intentions to emasculate the United States…. They love a weakened, neutered U.S and this is their way of promoting that concept. I think God has a great sense of humor, too.”

Oh Rush, did you run out of Oxycontin refills again? While we rational Americans have grown accustomed to the bile invective spewed daily from Mr. Limbaugh more effortlessly than potato chip crumbs, some Republicans decided that Rush Limbaugh is just too understanding and flirted with invective of their own.

Eric Erickson of the ever-so enlightening Red State.com had these encouraging words to say:

I did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota.

Knee-jerk vitriol and racist commentary notwithstanding, the award is baffling some on the left as well.

Michael Moore, for example, offered his congratulations but boldly declared action as well.

Congratulations President Obama on the Nobel Peace Prize–Now earn it! Freedom can not be delivered from the front seat of someone else’s Humvee. You have to end our involvement in Afghanistan now. If you don’t, you’ll have no choice but to return the prize to Oslo.

Indeed, Obama may have made such lofty pronouncements such as closing Guantanamo, bringing the troops home from Iraq, wanting a nuclear weapon-free world, admitting to the Iranians that we overthrew their democratically-elected president in 1953, etc. But he has yet to follow through any of his pronouncements with concrete action and, worse yet, is risking escalating a lost cause in Afghanistan by extending our outstretched and vitiated troops in a purposeless battle.

Don’t believe me, just click here to read about the growing numbers of troops suffering from PTSD.

I realize that President Obama is looking to make up for the fact that Afghanistan and the “just war” was abandoned by the ruthless Bush Administration to pursue a petty vendetta in Iraq and make billions of dollars in no-bid contracts for their cronies. However, 6 years have passed since troops were shifted away from the Afghanistan conflict, and the situation has grown increasingly dire for our supposed mission. After all, the primary objective for going into Afghanistan was to kill and capture Osama bin Laden and his key associates, disrupt the vast Afghan terror network, and prevent Afghanistan from becoming another hotbed for terrorism.

Has blowback and the situation in Iraq taught us anything? The U.S. is  not in Afghanistan to police a nation beset by tribalism and internal conflicts. We cannot naively expect to train a miserably incompetent army at the aegis of a corrupt government,  an army that may ultimately joins the Taliban anyway.

Barack Obama winning the Noble peace prize–something that not even he expected–is certainly momentous and naturally is being lauded by the sane world. But it is imperative that we do not allow ourselves to get stuck in the warm and fuzzy clouds of this achievement as many did immediately following the election of Barack Obama. Intelligent critics must ensure that President Obama does in fact earn this prestigious prize.

Obama Does Not Want to Kill Your Grandma: Health Care Speech Thoughts

After capping off an important but casual speech to American school children in Virginia about the benefits of injecting socialism into their water fountains, Big O headed back to Washington to deliver perhaps the biggest and most important speech in his presidency regarding the particulars of his seemingly intractable plan for health care reform. The president appeared aplomb and firm as he impassionedly explained to an incorrigibly skeptical Congress the dire need for a complete overhaul of the broken national health care system, which did not include how he wishes to kill millions of grandmas with poisoned dentures. After all, such a system would be akin to every filthy, socialistic European country, and everybody knows that Europe is stagnant.

“We are the only democracy — the only advanced democracy on Earth — the only wealthy nation — that allows such hardship for millions of its people. There are now more than 30 million American citizens who cannot get coverage. In just a two-year period, one in every three Americans goes without health care coverage at some point. And every day, 14,000 Americans lose their coverage. In other words, it can happen to anyone.” ~President Obama

Looking to quell all the seemingly endless fusillade of flagrant misinformation and irrational rumors that imbued the circus-like health care town halls this summer, President Obama politely threw his halo at all of his Republican critics by beautifully refuting the outrageous, unsubstantiated rumors with a heaping pile of delicious Baroccoli:

Some of people’s concerns have grown out of bogus claims spread by those whose only agenda is to kill reform at any cost. The best example is the claim made not just by radio and cable talk show hosts, but by prominent politicians, that we plan to set up panels of bureaucrats with the power to kill off senior citizens. Now, such a charge would be laughable if it weren’t so cynical and irresponsible. It is a lie, plain and simple. There are also those who claim that our reform efforts would insure illegal immigrants. This, too, is false. The reforms — the reforms I’m proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally. ~President Obama

The President must have mistaken the adult congressional lawmakers for the elementary children he addressed the day before, because of course one congressional Republican man-child jumped up and interrupted the President’s speech by shouting “You lie!”

Notwithstanding the visceral disruption, President Obama chugged along with his speech and reached great heights in the realm of civility and harmony when he used a beautiful letter written by the late Ted Kennedy to touch upon the greatness of Liberalism and how it historically existed alongside other schools of thought.

“You see, our predecessors understood that government could not, and should not, solve every problem. They understood that there are instances when the gains in security from government action are not worth the added constraints on our freedom. But they also understood that the danger of too much government is matched by the perils of too little; that without the leavening hand of wise policy, markets can crash, monopolies can stifle competition, and the vulnerable can be exploited. And they knew that when any government measure, no matter how carefully crafted or beneficial, is subject to scorn; when any efforts to help people in need are attacked as un-American; when facts and reason are thrown overboard and only timidity passes for wisdom, and we can no longer even engage in a civil conversation with each other over the things that truly matter – that at that point we don’t merely lose our capacity to solve big challenges. We lose something essential about ourselves.” ~ President Obama

Come on, Mr. President! Once again, you’re assuming  you’re talking to adults who place a high value on history and the divergent but intelligent differences that once separated the two parties. Moreover, if you really want to sway today’s circus tent of insane Republican wingnuts, just  announce the public option comes with a free AK-47.

Hoots and Hollars from Joe the Interrupter notwithstanding, President Obama has been awfully vague and mealy-mouthed in terms of where he stands on the health care debate. It’s as if he comes out every morning on the White House lawn, licks his finger, and see which way the wind’s blowin’ (emanating from Wall Street and Fox News Headquarters) today, then changes his agenda and message accordingly in spite of the millions of ordinary Americans and those who worked tirelessly for the Hope Man and agent of change.

Perhaps this latest speech is an indication that a sudden dip in President Obama’s popularity among his die-hard supporters and independents might have sparked Campaign Obama back into gear.

In short, President Obama clearly (and finally) delineated the classic philosophical differences between the two parties and flatly showed his drooling critics that liberalism (not socialism) isn’t on par with bestiality. Therefore, the President publicly pantsed the lunatics that comprise today’s GOP while inviting them to have tea. It was about time.

Obama is from America, Birthers are from Kookistan

If there’s ever been a phenomenal, breathtakingly ludicrous political fringe, excluding the organization that actively pursues legislation that legalizes man-boy love, it would have to be the “birthers”. Boy, I really yearn for the days of Karl Rove.

I’m referring of course to a noisome movement of obstreperous ultra-right wing nut jobs that is currently hell-bent on co-opting the entire GOP’s “Just say No” agenda by relentlessly questioning the veracity of President Obama’s birth certificate. Moreover, the birthers have managed to convince themselves that Barack Obama was not born in a manger in the United States, and therefore is ineligible for the presidency. And to think all us loony liberals were contumaciously clinging to absurdist, unsubstantiated claims of voter fraud, voter disenfranchisement and intimidation, ballot alteration, ballot substitution, ballot box stuffing, and ballot destruction so as to deny the Presidency of George W. Bush.

At any rate, one woman claims to have an authentic copy of President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.

Orley, I have a better question. Have you asked your doctor if Thorzine is right for you?

Indeed, it has been abundantly shown that there is not a modicum of authenticity, or even the vaguest ambiguity, to validate the birther claim. Hawaiian public officials have stated ad nauseam that Barack Obama was, indeed, born in Honolulu on August 4, 1961, and they have happily supplied copies of his certificate of birth to the birthers upon demand. If you’re a die-hard birther, however, you must believe that these sinister Hawaiian officials are involved in some diabolical scheme to infiltrate your minds with hope and change. How else do you explain how Hawaiian pineapples could wind up on a pizza?

Alarming enough, a recent political survey discovered that 83 percent of Democrats and Independents absolutely, positively believe–no shit–that Barack Obama was born in the United States, whereas only a mere 42 percent of Republicans believe he was. That a fairly sizable chunk of Republicans are unconvinced is irrefutable proof that the party is drifting further and further away from reality, ensnared in the brazen lies and rumors propagated by far-right wing radio and television.

But it isn’t just relegated to Fox News or Rush Limbaugh...

Seemingly beyond the healthy bounds of sanity is CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, who has been devoting countless shows to the birther lunacy, despite the fact the he claims to not believe in it. It is almost equivalent to not believing in leprechauns and coming into work every day in a green cap, orange beard, and green-striped shoes.  Of course, controversy is nothing new to Mr. Dobbs who has often substituted objectivity and the truth in his unrelenting crusade against illegal immigration by regularly citing erroneous facts and figures.

Mr.  Dobbs’ undying love affair with the “birther” story is increasingly becoming a quite an issue for CNN, which prides itself on presenting news without the fervent left/right biases commonly found on MSNBC and Fox News.  But hey, at least he’s not screaming at illegal aliens anymore.

One must ask what the motivations are for the birther movement for orchestrating such a patently absurd campaign? Is it the fact that some people are uncomfortable with the first African American president? Is it that some people had the bongo drums played on their soft spots like Ricky Ricardo?

Nonetheless, any attempt at explaining the birther movement is akin to debating whether it’s hot or cold in Atlantis. In sum, nothing remotely substantive can be extracted from this committed (non pun intended) mass of sad, pathetic, and miserably uninformed people. I just hope that they find a better scanner.

President Obama Stumps in New Jersey for Governor Corzine

Thursday, July 18, 2009

PNC Arts Center

3:15 pm– Members of the press passing out in a massive, seemingly endless line into the center, and its not on the account of President Obama but the scorching heat. Audacity of Hope? More like the Audacity of Heat Stroke

3:20 pm– I just made it through the security check and I didn’t even have to take off my shoes…Yes we can!

3:24 pm– Finally made my way down to the press pool seating area. In retrospect, I probably would’ve have sat in the blogger section, but then I’d be on the side of the Garden State Parkway.

3:30 pm– Some state senator approaches the podium and addresses the throngs of exuberant Obamaniacs and their one Corzine fan. She touts and panegyrizes the achievements and accomplishments of Governor Corzine. Yeah, how’s about addressing the fact that New Jersey received more than 17 billion dollars in Federal Stimulus money and yet no free bottled water in sub-Saharan heat.

3:32 pm– Much to the pleasure of the ultra-partisan crowd, State Senator begins to equate Chris Christie, the Republican candidate for governor, to president Bush. Not surprisingly, the crowd erupted in a raucous of boos. I think Bush is about as popular with the general electorate as flesh eating bacteria.

3:36 pm– Oh my, there appears to be a full-scale chorus singing. The chorus sang mellifluously and were very impassioned, but I fear I was much too much to distracted by the plethora of awkward white guy dancing. Clearly the black part of Obama would be put to shame.

3:45 pm– Whose Congressman’s leg do you have to hump to get a martini around here!

3:46 pm– Still no Obama or that other guy whom one person came to see.

4:00 pm– NJ Governor Corzine just made his way up the stage and to the podium and announces that he’s a Gay American. But seriously, Governor Corzine begins to address the enthusiastic crowd. What, too hot for sweater vests?

4:02 pm– Oh my, this man really needs to touch Obama because he has the charisma of a week’s old meatloaf. If he isn’t the Art Garfunkel to Obama’s Paul Simon…

4:05 pm– The topic of health care–the wheezing 800 pound gorilla in the emergency room–was broached.

4:08 pm– Governor Corzine panders to his most ardent supporters by playing up his support for unions and working class New Jerseyians.

4:12 pm– Governor Corzine announces the arrival of his good friend, Hillary Clinton. But seriously, President Obama has arrived!

4:13 pm– I think I just lost 80 percent of my hearing.

4:14 pm– President Obama begins to address the sweltering but ebullient crowd of thousands.

4:15 pm– I don’t care one iota if President Obama has back peddled on some of his campaign promises, belied some of his most vehement campaign rhetoric, and sheepishly kowtowed to the banks because he is adorable! He’s like puppy’s breath and new car scent all put in one! But seriously, President Obama exudes confidence and is highly commanding.

4:16 pm– Oh no he didn’t! I believe President Obama just handed Corzine his coat jacket. I guess Corzine is doing his laundry now.

4:18 pm– President Obama wastes no time in emphatically declaring Governor Corzine a crucial ally who had helped develop the national economic recovery plan, saving countless jobs, while working wonders on education and health insurance and still cutting the size of state government.

4:20 pm– President Obama seems very ensnared in his presidential campaign rhetoric and almost forgets that he got the job back in November. His tone is just as fiery and forceful as it was on the stump. Clearly Obama feels more comfortable in this arena than he does in the oval office.

4:25 pm– Health Care reform is explained not just in terms of the nation as a whole but to the great many small business owners suffering from soaring costs here in New Jersey.

4:30pm– Enough with all of this trivial health care reform! I want to know why the president hates flies and yellow mustard!

4:36– After lauding Governor Corzine for his own efforts in fixing health care, President Obama took this golden opportunity to highlight his own prescription for a workable and affordable health plan. In fact, President Obama took off the gloves and confronted the most vociferous republican and conservative Democrat opponents of his health plan by loudly declaring “What’s your Plan?!” Kudos!

“What’s your Plan?!” ~ President Obama

4:40 PM– President Obama concludes his 25 minute speech by reaffirming his support for Governor Corzine and thanks the crowd.

Pfizer Stimulates Economy with Free Viagra Offering

This podcast takes a look back at some of the issues that made news over the past two weeks.  First, it deals with economic issues and how they pertain to pharmaceutical giant Pfizer. Next, it looks at North Korea and the reaction from the international community to its latest nuclear activities. This podcast includes the headlines of the day, analysis, soundbites, and a song that either encapsulates the news of the day or something entirely random that I feel rocks. The purpose of these podcasts are to delve deeper into the issues and to report the things that the mainstream media often misses.  As usual, all of this will of course come from a place of humor, irony, and sarcasm:

Viagra Stimulus Podcast

Swine Flu, Joe the Plumber, GOP, Oh My!

This is my first podcast covering politics from my own unique angle. The purpose of my podcasts will be to delve deeper into the issues and to report the things that the mainstream media often misses. All of this will come from a place of humor, irony, and sarcasm. The world is a complicated and scary place. If you don’t stop and laugh, you may find yourself confined to a padded cell.

This particular podcast looks back at the past two weeks and deals with the Swine Flu frenzy, Joe the Plumber and homophobia, and the current state of the Republican Party. The content includes the headlines of the day, analysis, soundbites, and a song that encapsulates the news of the day. In future podcasts, I hope to include interviews from experts, pundits, writers, and opinion makers.

I hope you enjoy! Swine Flu Podcast